Getting...older ...must ...spend... more ...money...

So it's about a week until my 31st birthday, and thus begins an annual mental exercise I go through just about every year since I was a kid- I think about buying crap I absolutely have no need for whatsoever. Why does this yearly phenomenon occur? The shameful conclusion that I've drawn is simple yet quite unsettling: I am a slave to the American consumer marketing machine.

This conclusion is troubling to me for two reasons. The first reason is that I consider myself to be a fairly simple guy with simple tastes. Although I can appreciate the finer things in life on occasion (a nice glass of wine, a decent meal at a restaurant), I really don't consider myself a spendthrift when it comes to buying consumer goods. Example 1: There are t-shirts I still wear that are over 15 years old (that Marshal Law comic book t-shirt is impeccably made). Example 2: If there was no other food in my apartment, I'd be totally content with eating hot dogs 7 nights straight (don't be hating the processed Grade D beef products...it's the gift that keeps on giving).

The second reason is that I work in the advertising and marketing industry, so theoretically one would think that my exposure to this field would enable me to look through the barrage of consumer messages and see them for what they truly are- a series of smoke and mirrors imagery geared to temporarily hypnotize you in believing that something is missing from your life, persuading you that only you have the ability (and money) to alleviate that itchy 'buy me ' sensation. But no, not me. Apparently all these ads unconsciously give me a mental erection.

But I digress. I accept this behavioral dichotomy about myself, and now will revel in it.

Below is an edited list of things I've pondered purchasing for myself if I ever got that crack cocaine business off the ground in the early 90s:

1) Xbox 360

Price: $400
Why the hell do I need it?: It's the first and only 'next gen' game console out there. So what if there are only a handful of games available currently that I don't have any interest in, it matches my Ipod!

2) 63' Samsung plasma HDTV

Price: $10,000
Why the hell do I need it? There's no point in buying an Xbox 360 if you don't have an HDTV. And if I'd get an HDTV, it may as well be a plasma. And if it's a plasma, it may as well be as freakishly big as possible.


3) NVGs (Night Vision Goggles)

Price: $400
Why the hell do I need it? So I can see at night (duh). Not only do these look badass, I'd probably save a lot of money on my electric bill just by keeping the lights off in my apartment after sunset and wear these on my head. I'd definitely need to remember to take these off when paying the delivery guy.

4) Capuchin monkeys (2)

Price: unknown
Why the hell do I need it? How could you not want one of these, or two for that matter! I don't know exactly what I'd do with them, but I'd imagine my two cats would get along just fine. Can you say 'Tag Team Battle of the Species"?

5) RPG (Rocket Propelled Grenade)

Price: unknown
Why the hell do I need it? Ever since I saw that scene in Die Hard when one of Hans Gruber's cronies blows up the RV in front of Nakatomi Plaza, I've always thought it would be fun to own one of these. However, considering this is now the weapon of choice for the Iraqi insurgency, I think my need for one of these bad boys is wearing off.