Grizzly Bear, 1 - Man with Much Grizzly Love, 0

On more than one occasion I've fantasized about grabbing my backpack, stuffing it with the bare essentials, and escaping this city... to a simpler life, surrounded by earth's grassy landscape, filled with massive trees, fresh air, mountainous peaks and beautiful wildlife. It's this open expanse called the Great American Wilderness where I'd live off the land, learn to survive using the most basic instruments, and be one with nature, forever.

Then, something with the weight of a sledgehammer shatters this dream back into harsh reality. Sometimes my pop culture addiction reels me back in - "Well, if I leave now, I'll never know how Jack Bauer finds those terrorists with that nerve gas," or "I was really looking forward to playing Halo 3 when that comes out and buying an Xbox 360 eventually." Other times I think about the family and friends I'd leave behind, and my 2 cats: "Who will scoop up their turds and saturated pee/litter clumps?"

This time, the sledgehammer was a documentary that made me think, "what the hell was I thinking! It's friggin' suicide out in them thar hills! A bunch of wild animals are just waiting to bite a chunk out of my Asian ass and stockpile my nuts for winter! F-that!"

I caught this documentary, Grizzly Man, on the Discovery Channel the other day. It's about a grizzly 'expert' / wildlife granola dude, Timothy Treadwell, who spends 13 summers in Alaska's Katmai National Park studying and living among the grizzles ...UNARMED! The story's irony, as you can guess, is that this poor bastard ends up being eaten alive by the very thing he covets most in life. The kicker? The girlfriend he brings on this fateful trip also bites it.

The most fascinating thing about this film was that most of the story is told by Tim himself, through the hours and hours of footage he shot with his camcorder. From this unique first person narrative, you really get inside this guy's head, and you start to understand why would anyone want to get this close to these awesome but feral beasts, knowing at any moment, you're one grizzly bitch slap away from getting your head ripped clean off your shoulders and sent floating down a cold Alaskan stream...'salmon food' if you will.

Watching this film reminded me of my solo backpacking trip I took to the Adirondacks, September 2003. On the third night of a five night trip, sleeping in a lean-to with three other hikers, I heard the sound of branches crackling and some 'thing' huffing, like someone trying to blow a booger out of his nose by putting one finger against one nostril and blowing really hard, except much, much more frightening. We all sat up, leaned out of our lean-to toward where the sound was coming from, and saw two glowing orbs looking right at us, 30 ft. away. Two hikers aimed their flashlights on the orbs as I ran to get my Leatherman and hiking poles (at the time I thought it was a good idea).

When I returned, I almost crapped myself. In full Mag-lite visibility, this beast was GINORMOUS, and it was eating all our food! Apparently, this bear was quite skillful at breaking into bear bags strung up 20 ft. in the air. Although we were livid that our food, which should have lasted several days, was disappearing before our eyes, we hoped that it satiated the bear so it wouldn't come at us for its second course. After some non-intimidating shouts and banging, the bear eventually swaggered away, almost like it was saying "not bad, perhaps a little lighter on the mayo next time, huh boys".

That bitch cut my trip short two days.

I haven't been backpacking since, but I plan to this spring... unless that's when Halo 3 comes out.